Brahm has asked me to spend some time writing about my story. I never really thought of my life as a story, just a series of events and their consequences. I don’t really know where to start. I can start from the beginning but that idea bores me. I’d much rather recount snippets of conversation that have given me pause for thought. Whether those pauses are positive or encouraging or not is another matter. I think it will be easier to get things down on paper if I just stick with annotating conversations, because thats really what excites me. Meeting people is my favourite thing in the world and it the thing that terrifies me most. I can’t adequately quantify this dichotomy. It would make my life easier if I could.
Right now I feel very satisfied with my career. I have settled into my new job in electrophysiology and as the road widens I have more mental capacity to lay down the bricks to realise my plans as an entrepreneur. I’ve been collecting experiences and the people who come with those experiences for a number of years now, and I feel the time is imminent to cash in that capital and start building the juggernaut. My challenge is to make myself ready for that timing. I have hopes that the final pieces are going to begin falling into place when I get in contact with this new NLP practitioner who will show me how to discover what I need to do and then hold me accountable to it.
On the other end of the spectrum, I’m terribly lonely. I’m trying to find a way to stop caring so much about it but, well, I’m human. Online dating is slowly killing my self-confidence as I face rejection after rejection. My friends and colleagues are astonished when they find I’m single, and have been for such a long time. I’m so far along in terms of personal development they just assume I have a stable and loving relationship when that could not be further from the truth. I don’t know what I’m doing that isn’t just wrong, but SO wrong, to explain the complete and abject failure in this part of my life. This topic is too depressing to continue on with.
I don’t really know what to write, or have anything springing to mind that I really want to write anyway. I suppose I can write about recent experiences on one of my many stupid dates. Or I could just go and do what I just did which was send a text to the guy I met this weekend from a sex website to come over so I get the fucking over and done with. He’s not hot and he’s not ugly but he has a big dick and a lot of energy. Above all, he’s genuine and has not stood me up or just sat around being pen pals, playing texting games the whole time.
I realise how much I need to talk to someone about all this and get it off my chest. I’m just so beyond over it.
Online dating takes up so much of my time in terms of endless texting. It takes up so much time in swiping left and swiping right. It takes up so much time in waiting the requisite amount of time before sending a reply. It takes up so much time not waiting the requisite amount of time and getting radio silence in return. Online dating is a burden on my life and I need an out but don’t know how to get myself out of this addiction. Like any addiction, it is rooted in fear. I am afraid that I won’t meet anyone who will see me for who I really am and love me for it. I deserve better than this and online dating has shown me that I’m not going get it.
I’ve been on over a hundred tinder dates and had my heart broken by Tristan, Brenton, Bruiser, the Ranga, the Giant… and beyond them all Mike, but in the interest of not giving found puppies names lest you become attached, I would refer to him as The Barrel-Chested Heartbreaker. He’s the one I just fell for completely only two short months after that chance meeting in a bar with John who changed my life as quickly as he left it. Mike was the one who looked me dead in the eye and said that because I’m a fixed person, broken people like him can’t be with me.
I was devastated. I still am.
I am a fixed person. I was a broken person and now I am a fixed person. I am single because I am looking to be with another fixed person. I have met many broken people but I have not met one fixed person yet, let alone a local single, male fixed person whom I am interested in…. and who actually likes me back. The closest approximation I was the one I met last week, who in under a year has gone from so broken to on the road to being fixed. He is accomplished, intimidatingly so. He is resilient, strong and determined. He challenges his own thinking more than most people on this planet and as much as I do, and continuously. He is also leaving in two days. Like all online dates he’s gone with the wind but there is a small doors for potential contact in the future. However, experience shines a cold, hard light on reality – you can’t escape the inevitability of radio silence in love and lust. It all ends in the same place.
One thought on “Just start.”
I’m so glad you started.
I love the way you started. I love these glimpses into your heart and your soul, and the honest and vulnerable way you explore your feelings, your fears.
More, please. More, more, more.